Drinking right now: Organic English Breakfast Black Tea, origin: India. $35.99/lb
Not all my bad habits are related to food, as you may have noticed in the first post. Yes, in the first few lines, I admitted to both screaming and cussing at my children (though the latter wasn't spelled out.)
I have a unique view of cussing. Words, to me, are just words. Their meaning is assigned arbitrarily from the start, and built on later; their weight is the same. Words that were awful to our great-grandparents are used everyday now, or have been forgotten. I don't think words are "right" or "wrong" simply based on the word itself.
Before you get offended at this, let me point out that I believe those same (currently offensive) words should not be used generally, because they do carry very strong weight for our culture and do hurt people. On the other hand, those words can be a strong tool for getting one's point across to someone who may not understand otherwise. I now classify shouting in this same way: unless I absolutely have to use this to get my point across, why am I doing it?
My words carry a weight of personal value. If I yell and cuss most of the time, no one will listen when I really need to speak out. If I get frustrated with my children, or yell just because I'm stressed, they aren't going to listen when I'm yelling in a life-threatening situation. If I'm raising my voice on a regular basis to get my point across, the answer is not to keep yelling, but to examine why I'm yelling in the first place--the problem is likely with me.
Don't get me wrong, I get so very frustrated. So very, very frustrated. It can really wear on my nerves to be alone all day long with the boys, no matter how much I love them. By the end of the day, I just want them to go to bed so I can have a moment to stare and do nothing, to be still for the first time that day or take a wonderful, rare long shower. But if I take that out on them, whether it's because they're throwing temper tantrums or just getting into trouble--no matter the circumstances--it doesn't teach them anything except that mommy will fly off the handle, given the chance.
Therefore, one of my new habits is to stay calm. Even when the kids start yelling at me (I wonder where they learned that) or throwing things, I stay calm. I want to scream, I really do, but if I give in and yell now, they're just going to yell more and we'll get nowhere. What scares me more is they won't listen when it counts, like when my oldest dashes off into the street; I need them to understand that when mommy gets angry, it's for a pretty darn important reason.
Currently learning to apply this to my husband as well.
2 comments:
Words really will define your relationships with people. For instance, when my fiancee fails to put his socks into the hamper for the umpteenth time, I would really like to pick them all up, dump them in his lap, and call him the world's laziest git. It takes a lot of prayer and counts to ten but I manage to restrain myself. Also, yelling is bad. Very bad. It took a tremendous toll on my marriage because my ex husband was a yeller. He had a flash temper that would be calmed after about 5 or so minutes of yelling at me, while I was left hurting for days by some of the things that came out of his mouth. He would make me feel cornered, and worthless, while he felt that he was justified in yelling harsh words at me because of something I'd failed to do or something I did wrong. So, I'm cautious, very very cautious in how I treat Chris. I dont ever want to make him feel the way my ex-husband made me feel.
Yeah, I know exactly what you mean. I still lie awake at night at times, hurting over words that were said to me ten or twenty years ago.
I think the opposite direction can be just as damaging--it doesn't do anyone any good if you never say what needs to be said. Yelling does have its place, but I want to be sure that I'm yelling when I *have* to be loud, not because I've lost my temper.
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